Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Warning, Warning, Warning

Danger Will Robinson!  Doufus Douchebag Dick Armey is summoning his troops to invade your home via the telephone.

Yes Dick Armey, the North Dakota native who has been sucking on a government Tit most of his life, is summoning his faithfowl to have a "phone day" for Raffy Cruz on December 15th.

For those of you who thought this bozo buffoon had left the national stage a decade ago, he's reinvented himself through "FreedomWorks" as he latches onto the Tea Party movement to try to make a buck, and somehow define what is Conservative.  Most Tea Party faithful would chop him up and throw him into Boston Harbor if they really knew about this douchebag.

Armey was in on the coup against Speaker Newt Gingrich and then was the one who had his staff rat the others out to Gingrich once the yellow steak on his back took over.  Armey endorsed Kay Hutchison for Governor of Texas last year over Rick Perry and Debra Medina. In 2002, when he quit the U.S. House, he tried to hand his seat in Congress off to his son.  Sonny boy was then routed 2-1 by now Republican Congressman Michael Burgess.

Besides being the chair of FreedomWorks, Dick Armey was a senior policy adviser (i.e. Lobbyist) for DC-based lobbying firm DLA Piper, whose recent and/or current clients include "pharmaceutical maker Bristol-Myers Squibb Company - you know a company that lobbied for Obamacare.

When Armey was in Congress his kids all had jobs related directly or indirectly to his being in Congress.  Talk about nepotism.  Honest to god, his fat mug ought to be next to the word "Hypocrite" in the dictionary.

Armey was at a christmas party in North Texas the other night talking the virtues of Raffy Cruz and some elected official shot him down fast for politicking.  "He's still a buffoon" was the reply I got from somebody who was at this festive get together.

So screen your calls tomorrow because Dickless Armey is invading your privacy.  Like most Texans, we wish he'd return to the frozen wasteland of North Dakota which spawned this wretched creature.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Raffy Cruz and those Republican Lay-dees...

Well, the Republican Women of Texas caravanned to Cowtown recently for their State Convention.  Yup, the old gals came from all corners: Dalhart to Donna and El Paso to Edinburg and all points in between.  And Raffy Cruz had some 'splainin' to do.

Seems at least two dozen or so women had no idea they were on a list of Raffy Cruz supporters and it turns out - they're not!  Seems a right wing ditz named Kaye Goolsby just decided to add people's names to the list and didn't go to the trouble of asking them (we hear wingers and Tea party types do that a lot).

When most Republican women were told of this fact they got really snippy and you could tell by their silence that they weren't thinking good thoughts about Cruz.  Remember, Republican women are always ladies (before happy hour anyway).

There were LOTS of other interesting comments about ol' Raffy among these hardworkin,' hard drinkin,' hard partyin' belles of the GOP.   Here are some direct quotes:

"Cruz seems to be losing his hair fast."

"His pictures must be photoshopped, he looks really plump and pasty faced in person."

"Why do we never see his wife?"

"I don't like all those out of state supporters, makes you wonder who he'd listen to in Washington."

"Is he a U.S. Citizen?"

"He's no Greg Abbott."

"His hair is really getting thin."

"He's put on weight since the last time I saw him at our club."

"Canada?  I thought he was born in Cuba."

"His english is better than I thought it would be."

"With Cruz, we lose!"

"There wasn't much meat in his speech, I was kind of insulted."

"Cruz went to Harvard?  Didn't Obama and Clinton go to Harvard too?"

"I think he had acne very bad as a teenager."

"He DOES look a little on the chubby side."

You gotta LOVE those Republicans ladies!  They can spot a fraud a mile away.  Thanks for the comments gals and thanks for the scotch!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

James Dobson, Ted Cruz and....Ted Bundy

Well, now Focus of the Family founder James Dobson has come aboard the Raffy Cruz train.  This guy is just full of grins, giggles and surprises.  Dobson claims he gave his life to the Lord at the age of 3 - you know the age when most are trying to form sentences and comprehend what it is like to not wear a diaper anymore and go sit on that cold porcelain throne and do your business (Dobson also says he learned to pray before he could talk...yeah...okay...whew!)

But the piece of resistance is how old Doc Dobson made a million bucks off something called the Bundy Tapes.  Seems Doc Dobson interviewed convicted Serial Killer Ted Bundy the day before he was executed for the murder of at least 30 innocent women.  Dobson claims he gave away the money to fight porno.  Okay...

Doc Dobson said that Ted Bundy should be "forgiven."  What's that????

Let's recap...

Bundy is known to have killed at least 30 innocent women - the real number may be much higher.   Biographer Ann Rule described him as "...a sadistic sociopath who took pleasure from another human's pain and the control he had over his victims, to the point of death, and even after."  Bundy once called himself "...the most cold-hearted son of a bitch you'll ever meet." 

Attorney Polly Nelson, a member of his last defense team, agreed. "Ted," she wrote, "was the very definition of heartless evil."

So James Dobson says:

Vote for this guy...

...Forgive this guy

Wow.  What a world the mind of James Dobson lives in...he sure knows how to pick his Teds!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Calamity Cruz wakes up to polling reality

Well, just when Raffy Cruz's campaign was trying to propagate thos bogus poll numbers cranked out by Daron Shaw over at UT (it was an opt-in internet poll, which are the "polls" that destroyed the reputation of the Zogby poll), low and behold, the Dewhurst campaign comes out with REAL poll numbers.  And of course they show Dewhurst smokin' the field with right at 50% of the vote.

And Raffy Cruz?  Sittin' right at 6% of the vote (which is what most genuine surveys show him at) in THIRD place.

Yup Cruz is all blue smoke, mirrors and magazine covers.  Here's the link where you can read it yourself:

And in honor of hapless Raffy, he's our new Calamity Jane.  he's always been in love with himself, now his "secret love's not secret anymore."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

New Poll Out - Cruz continues to be crushed.

So despite all the national bru-ha-ha that Cruz has stirred up, all the speeches made in Washington, DC andd the Facebook ads, Cruz is still pulling only 10% of the vote in the latest internet poll that those yahoos over at UT ran.

I know, internet polls were probably invented at the clown college in Sarasota, Florida.  But they are often useful predictors of what is to come, what expectations really are.

"Please email in your poll answers"
So at this point the wannabees and the know-it-alls think that Cruz is a sure loser - getting only 1 in ten votes.  That's a long, long, long way from 51%.

Still, it is probably more accurate than the BS poll the Ron Paul nerd was spreading around the week before last.  Numbers like that sure won't get you a one on one debate with the Lite Guv.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ted Cruz is Douglas, David Dewhurst is Lincoln.

Well now, Raffy Cruz wants to replay the Lincoln-Douglas debates between himself and the Lt. Governor.  For the moment, let's set aside the fact that Cruz' arrogance seems to know no boundaries, since there are two other serious candidates in the race and according to one recent poll, Raffy trails both Lizzy "Aimless" Jones and Tom "the Acorn" Leppert in the four way race.

Since Cruz was born in Canada, he may not be up on his American history; you know, the same way he was not up on his father's activities in Cuba pre-1960.  But some of this might make sense:

Lincoln & Dewhurst? I mean they are both tall, lanky fellows who come from very humble beginnings.  Both are thoughtful and enjoy the big picture.  Both men understand war - Lincoln was commander in chief and Dewhurst is a Veteran.  Lincoln understood that intelligence was the key to defeating the south and Dewhurst?  Hey, he's ex-CIA baby!

Now consider the OTHER comparable...Raffy Cruz & Stephen Douglas:

Douglas was known for his  "his hard-hitting oratorical style" and was considered a dandy dresser and was known for his vanity and arrogance. 

How funny, so is Cruz!  Could Raffy Cruz have been Stephen Douglas in a past life?  Could be, could be...

A coupla things to remember:  Douglas's views and actions (i.e. the Kansas-Nebraska Act) helped lead to the Civil War.  And Douglas died at aged 48, Cruz is what, 41?  Hmmm.....

Cuban hot wind (with a cold canadian blast) vs. substance.   Texas doesn't need a circus like show to know they'll pick substance every time.

Friday, October 28, 2011

SSSSSSS...the Cruz wife Cometh.

Wow! Just when you thought it was safe to focus on the World Series, Raffy Cruz joins the flat earth society and attacks his own wife's past extra-curricular activities.  All in one fell swoop.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.  My, my, my.  What tangled webs Raffy weaves. We'll let you read the full writeups on good old Raffy's amazing comments on the Council on Foreign Relations - you know that group where "liberals" like Kenneth M. Duberstein (President Reagan's chief of Staff) and Colin Powell (patriot and public servant extraordinaire) serve on the Board of Directors - at the bottom of this post.

Anyway, since Cruz called the CFR a "pernicious nest of snakes" and "a pit of vipers" and since Mrs. Cruz was an active member of the CFR until this past June, we recommend that Raffy sit down and watch an oldie but goodie from the past:  the movie "SSSSSSS" circa 1973.

In this cheap horror flick, seventies stud muffin Dirk Bendict gets turned into a cobra (literally) by a mad scientist and then is immediately killed by a mongoose.  We think Cruz should watch it, just so he knows what might be on the mind of the Miss-suz.

And Raffy, we also recommend that you go to bed with snake bite repellant for a while and oh, it might not hurt to hire a food taste tester for those days you have to have a home cooked meal (at home).  You know, someone expendable.  Maybe Jason Johnson?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Bobby Makes a Boo-Boo...Raffy Cruz fibs like a Teenager

Dallas Morning News reporter Robert Garrett made a boo-boo in his article today on Raffy Cruz and it was a BIG Boo-Boo. 

In his article, Garrett said that Ted Cruz, like Marco (Polo) Rubio was "Born in the U.S.A"  (sing it, Bruce).

Whoa there pardner!  Raffy Cruz was born up Canada Way.  That's right - he is a naturalized citizen and still eligible to sit in the Canadian Parliament (which we have always suggested may be a better route to power for dear Raffy).

In the meantime, it looks like Ted Cruz, just like Lucy Ricardo, may have some 'splainin' to do' regarding how Papa got here and what Papa did down Havana way.

So apologies to DMN readers on Bobby Garrett's screwup.  Not to worry, CanadaCruz is here to correct the record.  So here are some boo-boo kisses for Garrett for his error in fact.  But worth reading are the apparently big whoppers Raffy Cruz is now saying to cover his butt for embellishing. It should bring you your chuckle for the day.

And below that is the article with the screwup highlighted plus our own snarky comments in red since this our blog:

Ted Cruz News A Tight-Lipped Cruz Lets Others Fill In Blanks On Cuban Father’s Exodus
By Robert T. Garrett
The Dallas Morning News

October 25, 2011 AUSTIN — Texas U.S. Senate hopeful Ted Cruz often laces his speeches and radio interviews with a story about how his father fled Cuban oppression.

But this fall, Cruz told few if any audiences that his father came to the U.S. in 1957, more than a year before Fidel Castro came to power, and that his flight was from the regime of right-wing dictator Fulgencio Batista, not Castro’s.

Cruz has remained silent as journalists and political activists repeatedly — and incorrectly — placed his father among the many Cubans who fled after Castro took power. OH PLEASE, HE KNEW THE TRUTH!

Cruz’s father, Rafael, was a guerrilla who fought to topple Batista, though he departed for Texas before the Cuban revolution succeeded.  SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS...HMMMM...

Cruz, a Republican and former state solicitor general, said this week he felt no obligation to correct others’ mistaken impressions. "SON, I TOLD YOU TO QUIT FIBBING ABOUT ME.  GO TO YOUR ROOM."

“I have many, many times described the full context of his fighting with Castro — in the broader sense … not side by side but on the same side as Castro,” Cruz said in an interview Monday.

A review by The Dallas Morning News of dozens of speeches and interviews Cruz has given since 2005 found no instances of his incorrectly describing when his father fled from Cuba, as U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., recently acknowledged doing.

Last week, The Washington Post reported that Rubio said on three occasions since 2006 and on his official Senate website that his parents came to the U.S. after Castro’s forces overthrew Batista in January 1959.

They actually arrived more than 21/2 years earlier. Rubio has said his parents wanted to go back to Cuba but couldn’t because of Castro’s Marxist oppression.

Like Rubio, Cruz was born in the U.S.   WRONG!

Cruz, a Republican conservative firebrand, has shaped and reshaped the story of his father, who is now 72 and lives in Carrollton, since 2009, when the younger Cruz ran briefly for state attorney general.

Last January, Ted Cruz threw his hat into the ring for the seat of retiring Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, and he now faces a crowded March primary field.

Until August, Cruz routinely said in public appearances that in 1956, under the Batista regime, his paternal grandfather bribed guards to free his father from prison. Rafael Cruz, though, recently told his son that wasn’t accurate.

“My dad said, ‘No, that that piece is not the case, I don’t believe that is right,’ and so I’ve stopped saying that,” Ted Cruz said.

He said his father, then 17, was tortured and “beaten almost to death.” In at least seven speeches and radio interviews last month and this month, Cruz talked about his father’s flight from Cuba but mentioned neither the date nor Batista, The News found.

In an appearance earlier this month at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, Cruz quoted his father as saying in a speech at a 2009 Dallas Tea Party rally: “When I was a young man, I saw a young charismatic leader come to power, and he promised hope and change.”

Ted Cruz acknowledged Monday that his father was talking about Castro’s early years in power. “He didn’t say he was there firsthand, suffering it. He just described it,” the younger Cruz said. YEAH.  RIGHT. SUUURRRRRE...

In a 2006 report, the Austin American-Statesman quoted Cruz as saying his father “was a guerrilla, throwing Molotov cocktails and blowing up buildings.”   TERRORIST ACTIVITIES AGAINST A GOVERNMENT FRIENDLY TOWARDS THE UNITED STATES????

By the early 1960s, Rafael Cruz was alarmed that his younger sister was imprisoned and tortured by Castro’s regime, and Rafael had become a firm Castro opponent, Ted Cruz explained.

Cruz said he sympathizes with Rubio, whom he has often extolled as a principled conservative he would like to emulate in the Senate. “Anytime one is recounting oral history of your family, there are necessarily some vagaries that come with memories 50, 60 years ago,” Cruz said. “There is nothing to hide.”  OH REALLY??


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Mista Single Digits

So at the big game last night, we're in the long line for a hot dog and who but who is right in front of us none other than a big gun pollster here in Texas.  Since we have eons to wait we strike up a chat and the conversation eventually leads to everyone's favorite naturalized Texan by way of Canada, Raffy Cruz.

Seems Mr. Pollster has been polling in a number of legislative districts where there are going to be hotly contested Republican primaries.  And Mr. Pollster has been throwing the US Senate question on for grins.  His findings?  Poor Raffy Cruz is waaayyy back in the single digits.  In virtually every district he trails the Dew, Mayor Leppert and even the poor hapless Elizabeth Ames Jones in many districts.

And Mr. Pollster said this was even before factoring in the 'Carrillo Curve.'  What's that you say?

Texas Republicans lie about voting for Hispanic candidates.

Oh, the Curve is named in honor of ex-Railroad Commissioner Victor Carrillo, who lost renomination last year basically because of his last name.  There's certain chunk of voters who lie to pollsters and won't admit that they would never vote for an ethnic minority.  In the Republican Primary it is the other elephant in the room.

Mr. Pollster says it is hard to establish the curve yet (too early), but the end result will be the same.  Mr. Pollster says when you calculate how Cruz is running a way too far to the right campaign, spending as much time gathering support in Washington DC as he does in Texas, when you add in the Carrillo Curve, Cruz has, "Virtually no chance at all, somewhere just under 1% chance of bering the Republican nominee for U.S. Senate."

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Chair

A story from a supposed ex-Solicitor General's office employee we ran into.:

"On those rare days that Raffy Cruz was actually in the office (as opposed to traveling about on the taxpayers dime promoting himself) he used to sit in his office and cut these huge farts, especially after lunch.  Cruz would sink his butt deeper into the leather seat to muffle the sound.  Ted was hated by most people at the AG's office, so it gave most people even more reason to avoid him."

"After Cruz quit working for the Attorney General's office, the joke in the office used to be that the new guy got the Cruz chair.  We'd let the new guy go about a week before he was told what he was sitting in."

It's probably a tall tale.  But aren't the 'smelly' stories about the Cuban Canadian the most interesting?

Friday, October 21, 2011

Well, He's ba-ack…with Another Memo.

I swear that Special Interest Lobbyist Jason Johnson just LOVES to write memos (link to full memo is posted below at the bottom) about his Foreign born, eastern establishment educated political client, Rafael "Ted" Cruz.  It's a fascinating, psychological insight into the mind of the 'man behind the man ' and what alternative universe he exists in (Note to self: forward link to JJ memo to interns at the Masters & Johnson clinic, they probably need a good chuckle as well as an idea for a project.)

This is NOT Special Interest Lobbyist Jason Johnson,
it is the late great Dennis Hopper.  This kinda looks like
 JJ so we used it since we still don't have a real photo.

And once again our anonymous friend over at "Texan on TXSen" takes this sumbitch to task for his seemingly endless desire to tell the intelligencia of Texas politics how smart he is and how the gospel according to JJ will one day prevail.  Gawd.

Well, thank god for "Texan on TXSen" - we have posted the essence of Texans response plus a link to this wonderful new website that most people who are not doing their own sister should be able to grasp.  We have also put in our own comments since, well, this is our blog:

Is Jason Johnson Ted Cruz’s Glass Jaw?
Texan on #TxSen Blog
October 21, 2011

Maybe Jason Johnson knows something I don’t, but I doubt it.

In the latest memo from general consultant Jason Johnson, the Ted Cruz campaign rolls out their case for victory. Rather than highlight the genuine, positive attributes of their campaign that are based in reality, Johnson instead lays out the foundation of his case using three factors that are a complete house of cards. Johnson’s claims:

1)      Cruz has won “11 consecutive straw polls against the major candidates” If Johnson is trying to portray Ted Cruz as a Tea Party juggernaut, he is conveniently forgetting that another Tea Party favorite Glenn Addison handily defeated Ted Cruz at two of the most high-profile straw polls in Waco and Austin.

CanadaCruz Note: Cruz is now starting to "No-Show" at these bogus candidate forums.  he recently did so at a GOP Club Northwest Houston.  How do you spell hypocrisy?  R-A-F-A-E-L C-R-U-Z.

2)      Cruz has the highest fundraising total of anyone in this race* Over the last 270 days, Cruz raised more money than any other Senate candidate ($2.8M); however, it took David Dewhurst ($2.64M in 3rd Quarter) less than 45 days to nearly outraise the amount Cruz has raised over the last 270 days.

Tom Leppert has raised nearly $2.5 million, also over the last nine months, but has the personal resources to make up for any fundraising edge Cruz may have.

Both Dewhurst and Leppert dwarf Cruz in cash-on-hand.  

CanadaCruz Note:  To political novices and virgins, it is cash-on-hand that matters, when you take away all the Run-off and General money that Cruz has collected in advance (isn't it amazing that is legal?) and back out his expenses plus assume that he had spent some cash since the last report, he barely has $2 million bucks - statewide media in Texas costs $1.5 million per WEEK.   

3)      Johnson touts poll showing Cruz in first place. As I have mentioned before, Johnson and the Cruz campaign team are doing their candidate a disservice in promoting this poll. No matter how the poll is framed, it is based on faulty methodology. The campaign will have to stand by this talking point the next time any major public poll comes out.

In his overly-defensive response to a barb that trial lawyer Ted Cruz is on the wrong side in his legal defense of a Chinese conglomerate against an American inventor; and in this meandering memo, Johnson emerges as the glass jaw of the Cruz campaign.

In spite of Johnson’s recklessness, campaign manager John Drogin deserves true credit for maximizing Cruz’s connections with the Ivy League, Wall Street bankers, trial lawyers and Washington insiders into quality, national earned-media appearances for his candidate.

CanadaCruz Note: We're not so sure we would go that far, since Raffy Cruz' depth is like acid rain: non-existent.

 Jason Johnson? Not so much.

After losing Greg Abbott as a client, Johnson seems to be doubling down on a Cruz candidacy by chasing every wild pitch. Memos like these only serve as notice that he is not ready for the major league.

CanadaCruz Note: Supporters of RRC Candidate Roland Sledge and State Senate Candidate Dr. Mark Shelton (other JJ clients) have to wonder how much time they are really gonna get from old JJ since he seems Cruz obsessed.  Makes you wonder if they haven't hitched themselves to the wrong lobby horse.

Oh and here's the link to JJ's memo that was written on Fantasy Island:

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"A Confederacy of Dunces"

Nope, Cruzheads aren't confederates. But we like the quote and
it made us think of 'bama Leonard Skinnard type biker chicks. 
An interesting blog came to the same conclusion we did about the bogus poll that the Cruzheads were chattering about yesterday:  Anyway, the guy has some interesting conclusions about the Senate race and where things are.

Basically this dude called the Cruz campaign staff a 'confederacy of dunces.'  The Cruz campaign seems to treat poll numbers the way the late Grace Allen spoke about campaign platforms.

Gracie once said, "A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for."  Looks like the Cruz staff could actually take the humor of Gracie as wisdom.  Wow! Burns and Allen must be chuckling from their masoleum.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Cruz tries Canadian Political Tradition: Shoveling Manure

Political Crap seems to be Cruz' Canadian birthright
Canada native Ted Cruz seems to be incorporating some old traditions of the late Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau:  when things aren't going your way, cook up numbers that work for you.

Ted Cruz's supporters were crowing yesterday about a poll purporting to show first-time candidate Cruz in a dead heat with well-known Lt. Governor David Dewhurst. It didn't pass the smell test with me so I did some digging. The "poll" was conducted by an outfit calling itself Azimuth Research Group -- an organization unknown in Texas politics to the best of my knowledge. I checked out the Azimuth website but didn't learn a lot more -- there are no names of the firm's principals, no prior clients, no evidence of any kind of track record. The website did boast a statement that "All of our public polls are conducted as much as possible in accordance with the standards and practices of the American Association for Public Opinion Researchers."

As much as possible?

Why wouldn't a reputable polling firm follow acceptable scientific research standards every time? (Read it for yourself here:  That statement was probably supposed to inspire confidence, but it raised more questions and so I dug a little deeper and discovered that Azimuth's principal is an Austin libertarian activist named Dave Nalle. The only previous Nalle/Azimuth poll mentioned anywhere the internet was a presidential poll in the summer purporting to show Ron Paul preferred by more Texans than Rick Perry. That poll came under criticism because Nalle didn't follow the traditional scientific principles of random sampling, designed to ensure a result that mirrors the electorate at large. Instead, Nalle apparently used the peculiar method of send email surveys to Republican activists involved in a select group of Republican clubs -- a method that would be dismissed with laughter by any legitimate pollster. 

These polls numbers are just like this guy: p-yew!
Even Nalle himself admitted that his methodology can produce a pronounced regional bias. (check it out here:  Several other Texas blogs -- and a few MSM reporters -- have swallowed Nalle's unreliable data whole. But we know our readers expect more than spoon-feeding.

When you look behind these numbers, you see fiction far more than fact. Ted Cruz -- and Tom Leppert for that matter -- may turn out to be real challengers to Dewhurst in this Senate race. But all reliable evidence that exists today indicates that this race is far from close today. It's no wonder Cruz's people touted this phony poll -- they don't have a scientific survey to use in its place.

And just like fellow his Canadian, poor old Pierre Trudeau (you know, like when his economic policies were crashing or he couldn't keep his wife from bar hopping), Canada Cruz is gonna find that cooking the numbers leads to a quiet life NOT in public office.

Remember Rafael, cooked poll numbers are NOT like manure - they do no good when you spread them around.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Canada Cruz - the Reboot

After surgery and a long recovery, we're back!

(Left: this is not Texas Lobbyist Jason Johnson, it is Arizona accused killer Jerod Lee Laughner. We didn't have a picture of Jason - so we used this one since they look a lotta like.)

And what a day to make a comeback! Canada Cruz' hired gun has been all busy trying to do damage control. He tried very cute snarky way, but it didn't work.

Anyway, Political "Consultant" Jason Johnson (JJ), who has been working for Ted Cruz for the past couple of years (first for his aborted race for Attorney General then for current escapade running for the U.S. Senate ) publicly offered up this satirical memo to Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst - the runaway frontrunner for U.S. Senate.

Johnson has been a Registered Lobbyist for multiple special interests in the past [ The Bank of New York Mellon Trust Company, Hartford Financial Services, UST Public Affairs, Liberty Mutual Insurance Property Casualty Insurers Association of America, etc - you know, really small town, "Tea Party" type companies] and joined the growing sleazy chorus of political consultants who go and lobby their clients long ago.

Looks like JJ may have sugar plum visions of expanding his lobby practice to Washington D.C.

The memo was pretty over the top - we'll let you read it with our responses below each paragraph.

Question to JJ: When Canada Cruz was paying you in 2010 out of a state campaign fund (when he was running for, oh, absolutely nothing at the time), weren't you really laying the groundwork for his U.S. Senate race? And how is that not a violation of federal election law? (Just checkin.')

Here's the Memo. (My comments are below in Red Italics - in honor of RedTed: the People's Republic lawyer!)


To: The Honorable David Dewhurst

From: Jason Johnson, General Consultant, Ted Cruz for U.S. Senate

CC: Interested Parties

Date: 10/5/2011

RE: Ducking Dewhurst Debate Prep Cheat Sheet

While it is not customary to offer political advice to one’s political opposition, given the reckless nature of your campaign’s actions yesterday – accusing Ted Cruz of being a “Red” Chinese communist because he supports free trade and opposes Harry Reid’s China currency bill – we figured it is in the best interest of all Texans that we provide assistance should you finally decide to stop hiding, attend some debates, and face the conservative voters of Texas. It is in that spirit, that we offer some helpful tips, should you ever decide to show up for a debate.

Response: 'In that spirit?' Please! Jason Johnson is a political hired gun and registered special interest lobbyist. He makes money off the people gets elected to office. Give me a break.



Yesterday, your campaign distributed two emails – signed expressly by “Dewhurst for Texas” – that accused Ted Cruz of being a “Red” Chinese communist. Typically, nasty personal attacks are not the practice of strong front runners who have the primary election “in the bag.” Instead, they make one appear worried and desperate to change the topic from one’s own tax-and-spend record. Also, when you’re concerned about the (true) charges that you keep ducking the opposition and voters– now a total of 11 candidate forums you’ve skipped – it’s probably not the best idea to have the attacks come from junior campaign aides. Sorta underscores the notion that you’re afraid to debate Ted yourself.

Response: Yeah, Laura Ingraham might take issue with your boy's debating skills, he sounded kinda cream puffy on her radio program. Ducking Voters? Nope. It looks like Dewhurst has decided to go campaign where he can find 1000 undecided voters, as opposed to 100 people who already know how they're gonna vote. Don't think he needs scheduling advice from you, JJ.



Ted’s father was imprisoned and nearly beaten to death in the struggle for liberty before escaping to America. His aunt was tortured by Fidel Castro’s communist thugs. You can read a pretty good synopsis of his family’s struggle for freedom and its impact on Ted in National Review. “Ted Cruz: The Next Conservative Hope” And given your refusal to disclose the details of your clandestine CIA work in South America, well, trust me, this one doesn’t end well.

Response: Sorry JJ, ex-spooks and military veterans like Dewhurst don't violate the oath they took to uphold, serve and defend our country from enemies foreign and domestic. But your boy the 'Hah-vahd' graduate wouldn't know anything about defending our nation since Cruz never served in the military, not even in his native Canada.



While it’s true that China plays dirty pool with their currency, and we must pursue ways to level the playing field, Texas workers and businesses have benefited tremendously from free trade with China and other countries. Remember that Texas is the number one exporting state in America.[1] (You usually try to take credit for this sort of thing.) Between 2005 and 2009, Texas exports to China rose by 80.1 percent, from $4.9 billion to $8.9 billion.[2] And in 2010, Texas exported almost $10.3 billion worth of goods to China![3] Think JOBS, JOBS, JOBS, Lt. Governor, because 2.2 million Texans are working today because of international trade.[4] Far more important than supporting a gimmick bill like this one, you should focus more on ending over-taxation and regulation, the main reasons American jobs head overseas.

Response: You know it's funny, this is just exactly what a Harvard lawyer representing a foreign communist country would be expected to say. And it doesn't change the fact that Cruz is standing with Harry Reid and Barack Obama.



Today, you claim to be an isolationist and anti-free trade. And your rhetoric is aggressively anti-China. Have you forgotten that in 2009 you accepted an award for “International Understanding” at the “Splendors of China” Tiger Ball??? [5] Or that in 2008, part of your Texas State Senate Agenda included, “Developing Initiatives to Increase NAFTA-Related Commerce?” [6] You released your support of free trade to the news media! If you keep this up, it’s going to take a scorecard to keep track of what your position is on each issue on any given day.

Response: Nobody said that Dewhurst didn't want good relations with China, he just won't give away the store they way Cruz would, and unlike Cruz, Dewhurst's devoid of personal financial or client conflicts of interest when it comes to dealing with the Red Chinese.



The strongest conservatives in the Senate—including Sens. Jim DeMint, Mike Lee, Rand Paul, Pat Toomey, and Marco Rubio—are all united in support of free trade and against the dangerous China currency bill. Some Texas voters might view your latest attack, without even thinking about your liberal record as Lt. Governor, as yet another sign of the type of US Senator you’d be – more of a “gang of six” guy than a principled conservative.

DISCLAIMER: This “Ducking Dewhurst Debate Prep Cheat Sheet” is not intended to be a campaign contribution, but should you accept it, choose to prepare, and actually attend a debate, I will happily disclose it to the Federal Election Commission as in-kind contribution to the David Dewhurst Campaign.

Response: Last time I looked, Dewhurst had won four statewide Republican primaries and general elections in Texas and Cruz and all the names mentioned above had won, oh, none. And don’t worry JJ, candidates don't have to report anything that's worth absolutely nothing.And trust, this memo and the 'advice' in it ain't worth squat. 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Moron Spin

Only Raffy Cruz could poll 3% of the vote in a poll, place fifth and brag about the great results and claim the race is "wide open." Yup, that is what Raffy's campaign did. Wow. What a world they must live in.

No question they are trying to set this up as a 'David vs. Goliath' or a 'tortoise vs. hare' contest. Raffy thinks he is the tortoise (and Dewhurst the overconfident hare) where Cruz slowly but surely builds momentum to overcome the huge Dewhurst advantage - just like Marco Rubio did. Raffy then whisks across the finish line just in the nick of time to save the Republican Party and America! Yeah. Right.

We think there is a simpler a more logical explanation. One based in reality.

In our prediction for the future, David Dewhurst is the fly swatter like in this photo. And Raffy Cruz? Well, he is the green stuff underneath the fly swatter. Yup. Poor Raffy doesn't understand that at 3% he's not a contender, he's not a factor, he's a nuisance.

Contenders for a federal office in a huge state have to have name ID, crediblity and a wad of cash. Raffy has none of the above. Oh, Raffy brags about the million plus bucks he raised for his non-campaign for Attorney General in 2009, but we'll explain why that is "N/A" in our next post (along with some other interesting items about Raffy and his campaign finances).

Monday, February 21, 2011

Rumored Poll has Raffy way, way, way, waayyyyy back...

Well a new UT poll about to be released has Raffy 'Ted' Cruz as just an also ran in the U.S. Senate race. Yes, he is in single digits. Apparently just one of many in single digits.

People are ambivalent about poor Raffy - those that have ever heard of him or heard his sophmoric BS. Finally, they just go "uh-uh, no way Jose" and go another direction - any direction actually.

New numbers should be out in a day or so. This won't help fundraising at all. Maybe he needs to post those citizenship papers. Or maybe it's time to begin talks with PM Harper about a graceful way to get home. Maybe he could go head up the 'Hispanic Republicans of Texas/Northern Territories."
Or proclaim himself Texas Ambassador to Saskatoon. Or better yet he could lead a Teddy Roosvelt-style charge to save the Assiniboine Indians from federal oppression in Ottawa. Who knows? Raffy might get himself named an honorary 'Ass.'

Friday, February 11, 2011

Cruz Serves Chili to Members of GOProud.

Nah. Not really. We just wanted to be able to use this photo. "This is Raffy Cruz. This is Raffy Cruz on propane." Yeow!

And here are a couple of Cruz volunteers working CPAC. They aren't making too good of an impression. We hear they are Raffy's aunts. The word is that the "Cruz sisters" were Cuban refugees from the Mariel boatlift. Yep, Raffy's aunts were detained in Fort Chaffee and then busted out of the joint and held up liquor stores all the way from Bentonville to Hot Springs. If only the Cruz sisters would switch to Virginia Slims, but I guess they worked in the cigar factory too long to change brands.

Flash! Raffy Cruz spotted at CPAC!

Well, Raffy's here. Yes Rafael "Ted" Cruz has hit CPAC in DC. So first and foremost, he has pissed off many on the far right such as the Heritage Foundation, the Eagle Forum, the American Family Association, the National Association for Marriage, Focus on the Family, Liberty Counsel, etc. who are boycotting this year's event because a Republican homo group was allowed to participate. As one winger said, "It boils down to this: there is nothing 'conservative' about one man violently cramming his penis into another man’s lower intestine and calling it ‘love.’” Wow! Some wingers sure know a lot about man on man action.

Even Senator Jim CeMent is staying away. Recall he's the Senator that Raffy is trying to get to NOT endorse Williams for Senate (you know, the Williams with the shaved head and the idiotic bowties, not the used car salesman).

But Raffy called CPAC an "exciting place to be right now." So if Raffy is trying to get those social conservatives on board, he sure has gone about it a funny way. Oh but remember, it's all about Raffy.

His speeches and comments are sophomoric conservative platitudes. "Liberty," "Fighting for Liberty," "Personal Liberty," Raffy loves the words liberty. He ran down the word "establishment" a bunch and talked about "entrepreneurship." Funny, David Dewhurst is an entrepreneur and Raffy is a litigator. He didn't get the irony.

Raffy even talked about being a Texas Longhorn fan. But Raffy went to Princeton and 'Hah-vahd.' And Texas Governor Rick Perry is the Lone Star State's number one Aggie.
That's no way to get the support of the Governor's political machine in a very crowded Senate contest. Oh - and he made fun of Donald Trump (a dweeb, but a billionaire with a temper and a long memory) and he called Obama a "communist." Oh my.

In just one morning, Raffy has thumbed his nose at Jim CeMent, James Dobson, anti-homo Conservatives, a billioniare and Texas Aggies.

Raffy emceed this afternoon at the conference. Does anyone have a hook they can pull Raffy offstage with - Vaudeville style?

The rest of the Senate field is home in Texas - where people actually live who can vote for a Texas Senator (except Ron Paul, but he's a Congressman and it's Friday, so he has to chase Bernacke around the Fed board room).

Yes, Raffy Cruz is not ready for prime time. Shoot, he's not even ready for Canadian cable. It doesn't get any lower than that.

Maybe Cruz can go meet with the Canadian Ambassador and get a copy of his birth certificate while he's town.

Report from CPAC 2011 in Washington, DC.

WE ARRIVED A DAY LATE. So far, we only find little Ron Paul YUCHIES (young urban conservative homosexuals) everywhere putting Ron Paul stickers on anyone they can find. Yup, they are GOProud and PAULproud. What a surprising combination.

And Raffy Cruz? No evidence of his existence to be found - so far. But we shall continue the hunt, onward through the homo right-wingers!

We plan to hit the receptions and hospitality suites searching for evidence of all things Cuban and/or Canadian. The Cruz juggernaut must be here somewhere!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


A lot of wing nuts who are supporting Rafael "Ted' Cruz for USS are also birthers - you know the conspiracy types who think that President Obama's mother went off and squatted in the Kenyan bush to bring him into this world - then suddenly got on an airplane and raced to Hawaii to claim he was really born in Honolulu.

But Raffy was born in Canada and supposedly migrated to America when he was four. Will Raffy produce his birth certificate and immigration documents? Is he really legal - or was he loaded into the back of a Molson Beer Truck and snuck across the border?

Hmmm...I wonder what part of Canada Raffy was smuggled into the Country from? Did he come by land or by sea (ala Lake Michigan or Superior)? Sure would be nice to see those papers. Maybe we should start the Cruz 'birther' movement. Was there a birth announcement in the Toronto Sun? Maybe the Granma Internacional in Havana? Or the Juventud Rebelde? (Naahh, too communist). One thing is for sure about Raffy: there ain't no Texas birth certificate and that sure creates mystery and suspicion.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Does Cuban Canadian Rubber Meet the Fiscal Road?

Very soon, the Texas Senate will hear a resolution calling for a Constitutional Convention (ConCon)  - to submit a proposed amendment to the U.S. Constitution for ratification (to the states) requiring the federal government to have a balanced budget.  Now, I can think of $14 trillion reasons we need this - namely our national debt. 

This idea has been around since the 1970's because Congress spends like a bunch of drunken sailors in a Frisco whore house.  They promise, promise the amendment but never deliver.  So the States are ready to take matters into their own hands to restore fiscal sanity to our country.  So who could be against such a logical and fiscally responsible idea?  Oh, the screaming meanies of the Texas Eagle Forum:

Cathie Adams (before)

Pat Carlson

Currently, the Texas Eagle Forum is bombarding State Senate offices with phone calls and the writings of the national head of Eagle Forum –poor, 86 year old self-professed constitutional expert Phyllis Schafly. Now old Phyllis claims that a ConCon will lead to the elimination of the 2nd, 10th and 14th amendments, move criminal trials to the World Court and lead to famine, locusts and the bubonic plague. Please!

Phyllis is so out of it the scarf she wears on her head is really a Depends diaper to catch the brainooze coming out of her helmet hair.   You can literally hear this woman's arteries hardening.

Texas Eagle Forum is run by Pat Carlson of Fort Worth, a no-college-degree defeated legislative candidate who was known as "Dingbat Pat" when she is was a Tarrant County GOP Chairman.  Pat wears funeral home dresses (that tie in the back) because she is merely the puppet of former longtime Texas Eagle Forum head Cathie Adams, who last year was booted out as Texas Republican Party Chairman.
Cathie Adams (after)
Adams is trying to raise her profile since she knows that Schlafly will be 'dust in the wind' at an Illinois crematorium sooner rather than later.  She's angling to be National head of Eagle Forum as soon as Phyllis goes to room temperature.  Heaven help the Far Right.

So what will poor Raffy Cruz do?  He has been charming the likes of the extremist far right types and loves to brag about his 'scholarly' constitutional credentials.  But if Raffy sides up with the old hags of the lunatic fringe on this issue, he ticks off the business community, Taxpayers, Tea Party members - you know, the overwhelming majority of the GOP electorate. And until he's deported back to Canada, he is running for the Senate.

Like Karl Malden used to say in those old American Express commercials, 'What will you do, what will you do?'

What with this slick Canadian do?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Cruz Campaign Issue Derailed

Well, well it looks like U.S. District Judge Roger Vinson launched the initial ruling against Obamacare without the wisdom or sage legal knowledge of Rafael 'Ted' Cruz.  Amazing!

Now, this baby has got to wind it's way through the courts all the way up to John Roberts & the Supremes.  But it will be essentially decided before Raffy could ever get to the U.S. Senate.  So without his "export" litigation skills and his "Hah-vahd" connections being needed, what good would his lack of experience provide in the USS come January 2013 on the issue if health care?

Answer: Nothing whatsoever.

But in Canada, their healthcare is all screwed up.  There was the guy who needed a heart transplant over in Winnipeg - and they tried to put the transmission of a '64 Chevy in his chest.  That sounds like a job for Super Cubanos Lawyer!

Friday, January 28, 2011

More Bad News

Well it seems that 75 year old Ron Paul is considering a race for the U.S. Senate in Texas.  That is bad news for Raffy since he was hoping to win over all those stylish, attractive 'normal' everyday people who make up the Ron Paul Revolution.

Congressman Paul, who now has poor Ben Bernacke by the cohones thanks to his subcommittee chairmanship, may want to take his one and only shot at being a 'father & son' team in the Senate with freshman Senator Rand Paul.

Plus, Rand may still need Daddy's guidance and permission to do anything.  It seems Dr. & Mrs. Paul may have kept poor Rand in short pants a bit too long.  He is currently walking in his Daddy's steps trying to wipe out half the federal government and convert all our social security checks to gold futures.  Rand could well turn out to be a one term wonder; and the grim reaper is starting to check how much juice is left in Ron Paul's life battery, so Congressman Paul may be a man on a mission.

This puts poor Rafael 'Ted' Cruz playing the role of 'lady in waiting.'  Kind of like waiting at the Havana airport trying to catch the next flight to Miami back in '59.  And just like so many wealthy cuban women learned as they stood at the ticket counter with their jewelry sewn into their fur coats, that plane may never come for Raffy.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


The Austin Stateman's cutie pie Jason Embry has picked up the Marco Rubio theme in his latest column on the Texas U.S. Senate race:

Yes, again we hear the comparisons to Charlie Crist and how South Carolina Senator Jim CeMent likes Rafael 'Ted' Cruz.  Oh, but Texas ain't like the Sunshine State (home of the hanging chad) or as we like to call it, "Flo-ri-duhhh."  But as we have said before, David Dewhurst ain't no Charlie Crist.

The Dew just raced the Voter ID bill out of the Senate so fast the poor Democrats didn't have a chance to inhale and let out a squeal.  Even Senator John Whitmire took a 'Claytie Williams approach' and saw it was inevitable; so he decided to lie back, relax and enjoy it.  And the Ultrasound Bill will be passed and on the Govenror's desk before you can say "Wanna hear your babies hearbeat before you kill it?"  Those will be some awfully big Conservative chits the Dew will have to cash in for 2012. 

Back to Rafael: Yes, they are both Cubanos, but that is where the similarities end.  Marco Rubio is a native American (unlike Cruz), got his higher education in his home state (unlike Cruz) and has had a decade in elective office before running for the U.S. Senate, again unlike Cruz. Rubio has led a legislative body - just like Dewhurst and unlike Cruz.

And now that he is a U.S. Senator, Rubio has declined to join the Tea Party Caucus and has figured out Jim CeMent and Michelle Bachmann are brainless psychos who attract the odd and the dangerous to their ranks.  But here is the real secret to Rubio's success:  he's good looking, thin and wears a photo of himself on all his suits:

Raffy's mug on a suit?  Not good, not pretty.  But back in Canada, they don't do this 'cause you have to stay bundled up all the time.  Once again Raffy, your homeland calls you!  And besides, in the swimming pool, yelling "Mar-co....Cru-zi-o!"  just falls flatter than Cruz' election chances.  In Florida, "Marco Polo" has now become "Marco..Ru-bi-o" as Floriduh's favorite poolside past time.  That is something a "Hah-vahd" degree just can't buy.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The company that Raffy keeps

When you go through the tattered remains of the 2010 Rafael 'Ted' Cruz for Attorney General effort, you find an interesting cast of characters that Raffy thought were worth bragging about to Texas voters.  It is a pretty curious lot ranging from the oddball assortment of the vast right wing conspirators in Texas (more on these clowns in a future post) and a couple of unusual supporters worth noting.

First, there's Richard Thornburgh, or if you're Karl Rove, he's better known as "Deadbeat Dick."

Thornburgh was a two term 'Guvana' of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and was serving as Bush 41's Attorney General when he got drafted into a special elelction for the U.S. Senate.  Thornburgh found out that you can't go home in politics and got whupped pretty good by a Liberal Dinosaur whose campaign was run by James Carville.

Well, Dick pretended the whole thing never happened and ran off to the United Nations.  The trouble was, he owed Karl Rove a whole bunch of moola.

We like Karl, so we use young, skinnier pictures of him with GWB.
Thornburgh didn't understand that you don't piss off Karl Rove and you don't owe him money.  So in 1993, Thornburgh's campaign committee was sued in federal court of Karl Rove & Co. Rove won the case and collected $180,000 from the Thornburgh committee. Karl Rove & Co v. Thornburgh was heard by a Texas federal judge who'd had been appointed by President George H.W. Bush in 1991.

If you were running for office in Texas, is this an endorsement you'd brag about?

In addition to Deadbeat Dick, Raffy showcased his support from former U.S. Solicitor General Ted Olson, whose wonderful third wife Barbara Olson died on 9/11 at the Pentagon.  So what is Olson up to these days?  Well his 4th marriage must have taken him on a different path, because he's helping Al Gore's old lawyer sue to overturn Prop. 8 in California in order to legalize Gay Marriage.

Olson with Gore lawyer David Boies trying to legalize gay marriage out on the left coast..
These two legal clodhoppers want to overturn a citizen amendment (passed by a vote of the people) to the California Constitution which now defines marriage as one man and one woman. Ted now thinks that "Nooooo, the people are stupid.  We lawyers know what is best."

Since Ted Olson is now trying to make this the law of the land in California, how smart is it to brag about having this guy's endorsement?  Does Raffy have zero judgment or is this just a 'lor-ya' thing?

Earth to Raffy:  Gay Marriage is already legal back in your homeland.  So this would be a non-issue back home.  An example:

Question back home in Canada: "How would you vote in Parliament Mr. Cruz on same sex marriage?"  Cruz: "Gosh you guys already legalized that before I got home.  Next question..."

Rafael Cruz answering questions...Oops! Not again....
Question in America: "Mr. Cruz, what did you know about Mr. Olson's lawsuit and when did you know it?"  Cruz:  "On the advice of counsel and my political consultants, I must invoke my fifth amendment rights."

That was flanderer David Vitter above.  These chunky boys look too much alike!
Can't just be a "Hah-vahd" thing - Olson went to Cal-Berkley (euhhh, I know).  It's just a Washington DC lawyer thing.  Enough said.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Vicious Villians & Scapegoats

If you're Rafael 'Ted' Cruz and you are trying to elbow your way to the top in a crowded field, you need a villian, or a whipping boy, in order to get to the front of the pack.  So in the spirit of his native land, we've posted good ol' evil Canadian 'Snidely Whiplash.'
That's because Raffy wants to be able to ride in on a white horse and save the day against his Snidely.  Just like say, 'Dudley Do Right' of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police:

Raffy/Ted has a lot in common with Dudley:  they are both Canadian and they are both good at overestimating their own abilities.  Dudley thinks he can ride a horse and save the day.  Raffy thinks he can be a Senator and save the day.

And who is Raffy's boogie man?  Why none other than Conservative Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst.

Raffy's problem is that Dewhurst is a Conservative stud.  As Land Commissioner he fired all the Democrat hacks that were on Garry Mauro's payroll.  Since he's been Lt. Governor, he's shepherded a list of conservatives laws through the Texas Senate as long as your arm, he is solidly pro-life and he puts his money where his mouth is:  he's been giving money personally to groups like Texas Right to Life for years, so he's no 'Raffy Come Lately.'

But Raffy/Ted has been busy romancing out of state right wing nitwits and has charmed a few.  But Texas Conservatives know Dewhurst.  Plus he can spend a gazillion bucks of his own cash to set the record straight.  That's why it will be "NO SALE" when Raffy cranks up the BS machine in the coming months.  The Dew will meet him at every turn and out shout him.

And while the Dew ain't no Snidley Whiplash - Raffy is Dudley Do Right through and through (and not in a good way).

So the only upper chamber Raffy has a shot at is the upper chamber on Ottawa.