Cruz Serves Chili to Members of GOProud.

Nah. Not really. We just wanted to be able to use this photo. "This is Raffy Cruz. This is Raffy Cruz on propane." Yeow!

And here are a couple of Cruz volunteers working CPAC. They aren't making too good of an impression. We hear they are Raffy's aunts. The word is that the "Cruz sisters" were Cuban refugees from the Mariel boatlift. Yep, Raffy's aunts were detained in Fort Chaffee and then busted out of the joint and held up liquor stores all the way from Bentonville to Hot Springs. If only the Cruz sisters would switch to Virginia Slims, but I guess they worked in the cigar factory too long to change brands.

Flash! Raffy Cruz spotted at CPAC!

Well, Raffy's here. Yes Rafael "Ted" Cruz has hit CPAC in DC. So first and foremost, he has pissed off many on the far right such as the Heritage Foundation, the Eagle Forum, the American Family Association, the National Association for Marriage, Focus on the Family, Liberty Counsel, etc. who are boycotting this year's event because a Republican homo group was allowed to participate. As one winger said, "It boils down to this: there is nothing 'conservative' about one man violently cramming his penis into another man’s lower intestine and calling it ‘love.’” Wow! Some wingers sure know a lot about man on man action.

Even Senator Jim CeMent is staying away. Recall he's the Senator that Raffy is trying to get to NOT endorse Williams for Senate (you know, the Williams with the shaved head and the idiotic bowties, not the used car salesman).

But Raffy called CPAC an "exciting place to be right now." So if Raffy is trying to get those social conservatives on board, he sure has gone about it a funny way. Oh but remember, it's all about Raffy.

His speeches and comments are sophomoric conservative platitudes. "Liberty," "Fighting for Liberty," "Personal Liberty," Raffy loves the words liberty. He ran down the word "establishment" a bunch and talked about "entrepreneurship." Funny, David Dewhurst is an entrepreneur and Raffy is a litigator. He didn't get the irony.

Raffy even talked about being a Texas Longhorn fan. But Raffy went to Princeton and 'Hah-vahd.' And Texas Governor Rick Perry is the Lone Star State's number one Aggie.

That's no way to get the support of the Governor's political machine in a very crowded Senate contest. Oh - and he made fun of Donald Trump (a dweeb, but a billionaire with a temper and a long memory) and he called Obama a "communist." Oh my.

In just one morning, Raffy has thumbed his nose at Jim CeMent, James Dobson, anti-homo Conservatives, a billioniare and Texas Aggies.

Raffy emceed this afternoon at the conference. Does anyone have a hook they can pull Raffy offstage with - Vaudeville style?

The rest of the Senate field is home in Texas - where people actually live who can vote for a Texas Senator (except Ron Paul, but he's a Congressman and it's Friday, so he has to chase Bernacke around the Fed board room).

Yes, Raffy Cruz is not ready for prime time. Shoot, he's not even ready for Canadian cable. It doesn't get any lower than that.

Maybe Cruz can go meet with the Canadian Ambassador and get a copy of his birth certificate while he's town.

Report from CPAC 2011 in Washington, DC.

WE ARRIVED A DAY LATE. So far, we only find little Ron Paul YUCHIES (young urban conservative homosexuals) everywhere putting Ron Paul stickers on anyone they can find. Yup, they are GOProud and PAULproud. What a surprising combination.

And Raffy Cruz? No evidence of his existence to be found - so far. But we shall continue the hunt, onward through the homo right-wingers!

We plan to hit the receptions and hospitality suites searching for evidence of all things Cuban and/or Canadian. The Cruz juggernaut must be here somewhere!

Birthers

A lot of wing nuts who are supporting Rafael "Ted' Cruz for USS are also birthers - you know the conspiracy types who think that President Obama's mother went off and squatted in the Kenyan bush to bring him into this world - then suddenly got on an airplane and raced to Hawaii to claim he was really born in Honolulu.

But Raffy was born in Canada and supposedly migrated to America when he was four. Will Raffy produce his birth certificate and immigration documents? Is he really legal - or was he loaded into the back of a Molson Beer Truck and snuck across the border?

Hmmm...I wonder what part of Canada Raffy was smuggled into the Country from? Did he come by land or by sea (ala Lake Michigan or Superior)? Sure would be nice to see those papers. Maybe we should start the Cruz 'birther' movement. Was there a birth announcement in the Toronto Sun? Maybe the Granma Internacional in Havana? Or the Juventud Rebelde? (Naahh, too communist). One thing is for sure about Raffy: there ain't no Texas birth certificate and that sure creates mystery and suspicion.

Does Cuban Canadian Rubber Meet the Fiscal Road?

Very soon, the Texas Senate will hear a resolution calling for a Constitutional Convention (ConCon)  - to submit a proposed amendment to the U.S. Constitution for ratification (to the states) requiring the federal government to have a balanced budget.  Now, I can think of $14 trillion reasons we need this - namely our national debt. 

This idea has been around since the 1970's because Congress spends like a bunch of drunken sailors in a Frisco whore house.  They promise, promise the amendment but never deliver.  So the States are ready to take matters into their own hands to restore fiscal sanity to our country.  So who could be against such a logical and fiscally responsible idea?  Oh, the screaming meanies of the Texas Eagle Forum:


Cathie Adams (before)



Pat Carlson





Currently, the Texas Eagle Forum is bombarding State Senate offices with phone calls and the writings of the national head of Eagle Forum –poor, 86 year old self-professed constitutional expert Phyllis Schafly. Now old Phyllis claims that a ConCon will lead to the elimination of the 2nd, 10th and 14th amendments, move criminal trials to the World Court and lead to famine, locusts and the bubonic plague. Please!

Phyllis is so out of it the scarf she wears on her head is really a Depends diaper to catch the brainooze coming out of her helmet hair.   You can literally hear this woman's arteries hardening.

Texas Eagle Forum is run by Pat Carlson of Fort Worth, a no-college-degree defeated legislative candidate who was known as "Dingbat Pat" when she is was a Tarrant County GOP Chairman.  Pat wears funeral home dresses (that tie in the back) because she is merely the puppet of former longtime Texas Eagle Forum head Cathie Adams, who last year was booted out as Texas Republican Party Chairman.

Cathie Adams (after)

Adams is trying to raise her profile since she knows that Schlafly will be 'dust in the wind' at an Illinois crematorium sooner rather than later.  She's angling to be National head of Eagle Forum as soon as Phyllis goes to room temperature.  Heaven help the Far Right.


So what will poor Raffy Cruz do?  He has been charming the likes of the extremist far right types and loves to brag about his 'scholarly' constitutional credentials.  But if Raffy sides up with the old hags of the lunatic fringe on this issue, he ticks off the business community, Taxpayers, Tea Party members - you know, the overwhelming majority of the GOP electorate. And until he's deported back to Canada, he is running for the Senate.

Like Karl Malden used to say in those old American Express commercials, 'What will you do, what will you do?'

What with this slick Canadian do?





Cruz Campaign Issue Derailed

Well, well it looks like U.S. District Judge Roger Vinson launched the initial ruling against Obamacare without the wisdom or sage legal knowledge of Rafael 'Ted' Cruz.  Amazing!

Now, this baby has got to wind it's way through the courts all the way up to John Roberts & the Supremes.  But it will be essentially decided before Raffy could ever get to the U.S. Senate.  So without his "export" litigation skills and his "Hah-vahd" connections being needed, what good would his lack of experience provide in the USS come January 2013 on the issue if health care?

Answer: Nothing whatsoever.

But in Canada, their healthcare is all screwed up.  There was the guy who needed a heart transplant over in Winnipeg - and they tried to put the transmission of a '64 Chevy in his chest.  That sounds like a job for Super Cubanos Lawyer!



More Bad News

Well it seems that 75 year old Ron Paul is considering a race for the U.S. Senate in Texas.  That is bad news for Raffy since he was hoping to win over all those stylish, attractive 'normal' everyday people who make up the Ron Paul Revolution.

Congressman Paul, who now has poor Ben Bernacke by the cohones thanks to his subcommittee chairmanship, may want to take his one and only shot at being a 'father & son' team in the Senate with freshman Senator Rand Paul.

Plus, Rand may still need Daddy's guidance and permission to do anything.  It seems Dr. & Mrs. Paul may have kept poor Rand in short pants a bit too long.  He is currently walking in his Daddy's steps trying to wipe out half the federal government and convert all our social security checks to gold futures.  Rand could well turn out to be a one term wonder; and the grim reaper is starting to check how much juice is left in Ron Paul's life battery, so Congressman Paul may be a man on a mission.

This puts poor Rafael 'Ted' Cruz playing the role of 'lady in waiting.'  Kind of like waiting at the Havana airport trying to catch the next flight to Miami back in '59.  And just like so many wealthy cuban women learned as they stood at the ticket counter with their jewelry sewn into their fur coats, that plane may never come for Raffy.

Mar-co.......Ru-bi-o!

The Austin Stateman's cutie pie Jason Embry has picked up the Marco Rubio theme in his latest column on the Texas U.S. Senate race:
http://www.statesman.com/news/texas-politics/senate-aspirants-aim-for-that-rubio-magic-1212126.html

Yes, again we hear the comparisons to Charlie Crist and how South Carolina Senator Jim CeMent likes Rafael 'Ted' Cruz.  Oh, but Texas ain't like the Sunshine State (home of the hanging chad) or as we like to call it, "Flo-ri-duhhh."  But as we have said before, David Dewhurst ain't no Charlie Crist.

The Dew just raced the Voter ID bill out of the Senate so fast the poor Democrats didn't have a chance to inhale and let out a squeal.  Even Senator John Whitmire took a 'Claytie Williams approach' and saw it was inevitable; so he decided to lie back, relax and enjoy it.  And the Ultrasound Bill will be passed and on the Govenror's desk before you can say "Wanna hear your babies hearbeat before you kill it?"  Those will be some awfully big Conservative chits the Dew will have to cash in for 2012. 

Back to Rafael: Yes, they are both Cubanos, but that is where the similarities end.  Marco Rubio is a native American (unlike Cruz), got his higher education in his home state (unlike Cruz) and has had a decade in elective office before running for the U.S. Senate, again unlike Cruz. Rubio has led a legislative body - just like Dewhurst and unlike Cruz.

And now that he is a U.S. Senator, Rubio has declined to join the Tea Party Caucus and has figured out Jim CeMent and Michelle Bachmann are brainless psychos who attract the odd and the dangerous to their ranks.  But here is the real secret to Rubio's success:  he's good looking, thin and wears a photo of himself on all his suits:

Raffy's mug on a suit?  Not good, not pretty.  But back in Canada, they don't do this 'cause you have to stay bundled up all the time.  Once again Raffy, your homeland calls you!  And besides, in the swimming pool, yelling "Mar-co....Cru-zi-o!"  just falls flatter than Cruz' election chances.  In Florida, "Marco Polo" has now become "Marco..Ru-bi-o" as Floriduh's favorite poolside past time.  That is something a "Hah-vahd" degree just can't buy.

The company that Raffy keeps

When you go through the tattered remains of the 2010 Rafael 'Ted' Cruz for Attorney General effort, you find an interesting cast of characters that Raffy thought were worth bragging about to Texas voters.  It is a pretty curious lot ranging from the oddball assortment of the vast right wing conspirators in Texas (more on these clowns in a future post) and a couple of unusual supporters worth noting.

First, there's Richard Thornburgh, or if you're Karl Rove, he's better known as "Deadbeat Dick."

Thornburgh was a two term 'Guvana' of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and was serving as Bush 41's Attorney General when he got drafted into a special elelction for the U.S. Senate.  Thornburgh found out that you can't go home in politics and got whupped pretty good by a Liberal Dinosaur whose campaign was run by James Carville.

Well, Dick pretended the whole thing never happened and ran off to the United Nations.  The trouble was, he owed Karl Rove a whole bunch of moola.


We like Karl, so we use young, skinnier pictures of him with GWB.

Thornburgh didn't understand that you don't piss off Karl Rove and you don't owe him money.  So in 1993, Thornburgh's campaign committee was sued in federal court of Karl Rove & Co. Rove won the case and collected $180,000 from the Thornburgh committee. Karl Rove & Co v. Thornburgh was heard by a Texas federal judge who'd had been appointed by President George H.W. Bush in 1991.

If you were running for office in Texas, is this an endorsement you'd brag about?

In addition to Deadbeat Dick, Raffy showcased his support from former U.S. Solicitor General Ted Olson, whose wonderful third wife Barbara Olson died on 9/11 at the Pentagon.  So what is Olson up to these days?  Well his 4th marriage must have taken him on a different path, because he's helping Al Gore's old lawyer sue to overturn Prop. 8 in California in order to legalize Gay Marriage.


Olson with Gore lawyer David Boies trying to legalize gay marriage out on the left coast..

These two legal clodhoppers want to overturn a citizen amendment (passed by a vote of the people) to the California Constitution which now defines marriage as one man and one woman. Ted now thinks that "Nooooo, the people are stupid.  We lawyers know what is best."

Since Ted Olson is now trying to make this the law of the land in California, how smart is it to brag about having this guy's endorsement?  Does Raffy have zero judgment or is this just a 'lor-ya' thing?

Earth to Raffy:  Gay Marriage is already legal back in your homeland.  So this would be a non-issue back home.  An example:

Question back home in Canada: "How would you vote in Parliament Mr. Cruz on same sex marriage?"  Cruz: "Gosh you guys already legalized that before I got home.  Next question..."


Rafael Cruz answering questions...Oops! Not again....

Question in America: "Mr. Cruz, what did you know about Mr. Olson's lawsuit and when did you know it?"  Cruz:  "On the advice of counsel and my political consultants, I must invoke my fifth amendment rights."

That was flanderer David Vitter above.  These chunky boys look too much alike!

Can't just be a "Hah-vahd" thing - Olson went to Cal-Berkley (euhhh, I know).  It's just a Washington DC lawyer thing.  Enough said.

Vicious Villians & Scapegoats

If you're Rafael 'Ted' Cruz and you are trying to elbow your way to the top in a crowded field, you need a villian, or a whipping boy, in order to get to the front of the pack.  So in the spirit of his native land, we've posted good ol' evil Canadian 'Snidely Whiplash.'
That's because Raffy wants to be able to ride in on a white horse and save the day against his Snidely.  Just like say, 'Dudley Do Right' of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police:



Raffy/Ted has a lot in common with Dudley:  they are both Canadian and they are both good at overestimating their own abilities.  Dudley thinks he can ride a horse and save the day.  Raffy thinks he can be a Senator and save the day.

And who is Raffy's boogie man?  Why none other than Conservative Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst.

Raffy's problem is that Dewhurst is a Conservative stud.  As Land Commissioner he fired all the Democrat hacks that were on Garry Mauro's payroll.  Since he's been Lt. Governor, he's shepherded a list of conservatives laws through the Texas Senate as long as your arm, he is solidly pro-life and he puts his money where his mouth is:  he's been giving money personally to groups like Texas Right to Life for years, so he's no 'Raffy Come Lately.'

But Raffy/Ted has been busy romancing out of state right wing nitwits and has charmed a few.  But Texas Conservatives know Dewhurst.  Plus he can spend a gazillion bucks of his own cash to set the record straight.  That's why it will be "NO SALE" when Raffy cranks up the BS machine in the coming months.  The Dew will meet him at every turn and out shout him.

And while the Dew ain't no Snidley Whiplash - Raffy is Dudley Do Right through and through (and not in a good way).

So the only upper chamber Raffy has a shot at is the upper chamber on Ottawa.
 



Young Men = Big Ambitions



Rafael E. (Ted) Cruz



Fidel Castro



Che Guevera

Fidel Castro, Che Guevera and Raffy/Ted Cruz all had one thing in common:  they each possess/possessed big dreams and big ambitions.  True, the first two were dedicated communists and anarchists and no, Cruz is not a communist (he's at least pro-democracy when he's running for public office in his second home of America, but god forbid what he'd do with his fellow "Hah-vahd" alumni in the USS. ).

It takes big balls to elbow people aside and think you're the one to be in charge.  These first two leave a couple of lessons for semi-young, ambitious types who want to rule the world.  Castro has been running his banana republic (now through his brother) for now 52 years.  And poor Che (stud that he was) ended up being hunted by no less than the likes of our CIA and Nazi War Criminal Klaus Barbie before the President of Bolivia ended up having him killed (he was shot nine times).

Perhaps Texans (and Canadians) should use the lessons of history when judging what can happen when a macho (slightly paunchy) stud offers to run your government for you: they either totally control your life for a half century - or you have to have a third world leader assasinate them.

Any way you slice it, it suggests voters need to keep on lookin' and Raffy should remember this: Highway 83 out of Perryton will take you straight home - to the Canadian border.

Two Countries for the Price of One

Rafael 'Ted' Cruz isn't just Canadian, he's also Cuban.  He loves to break out the violins to talk about how his father escaped communist tyranny.  Bravo for Raffy's Daddy.

But Raffy's Daddy isn't running for office - Raffy is.  It's kind of hard to see how being a Trial Lawyer representing the RGA against Chris Bell is fighting tyranny. From the looks of it, all Teddy has done is be a lawyer and never miss a meal.

That's why Raffy/Teddy returning to Canada makes perfect sense.  That dynamic duo down Havana way, Raul and Fidel Casto, are getting pretty long in the tooth.


Fidel & Raul Castro:  Not lookin' too good.

If their birthdates can be believed, Fidel turns 85 this year, Raul 80.  Yes, the actuarial tables are not on their side.  That's why Raffy could bide his time and lead the revolution from Canada.  Hell, Raffy/Ted probably thinks he could lead two countries at once.  He certainly has an ego as large as Fidel's.

Cruz could turn Havana into a Canadian winter government headquarters.  Shoot, that's where the half of Canada goes this time of year - the half that isn't in Florida (and voting in their elections).  And since Cuba hasn't had anything pesky like say, an election in oh, 100 years or so, Fidel and Raul might just throw him the keys to the front door since Cuba is broke anyway.

Yes, Raffy could be in Ottawa biding his time, maybe even plotting a new Bay of Pigs.  He's certainly got the shape to lead that offensive - and he'd finally have military experience.




Ted Cruz in...no wait not him...

...there.  That's better.  It's hard to tell these two apart.



An Honest Cruz Logo.

Have you seen Ted Cruz' logo?

From the looks of this, you'd swear that Ted/Raffy is

a mashed potato sandwich on wonder bread.

So misleading, so denying his roots.  We have a better idea -

This way he embraces who he really is, and it matches his State Bar Card.

And the dome can just as easily be Washington - or Ottawa (even Havana).

Much better - Viva Raffy!

A Quicker Rise to Power

Anyone who knows Rafael 'Ted' Cruz understands that his massive ego requires him to be the leader of a free country at some point.  But he is also an impatient little imp.

Up in his native land, the rise to power would be much quicker.  And he'd fit right in as Cuban-Canadian relations have been strong for decades.  See for yourself:

Fidel Castro with then Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau

And if you're Ted Cruz or Raffy as we prefer, you think you can be both men all at once.  That is so Nixon of Ted!  Once he's secured that seat in Parliament, no doubt Raffy would rise to power in a matter of mere months, if not weeks or days - because afterall, he's Ted!

As Prime Minister, Ted/Raffy could munch down on all the Toorejas and Cuban Sandwiches that he can inhale while gulping down all the Molson he can handle.  Thanks to Trudeau and Castro, it will look quite natural.  And he could smoke big nasty cigars from Havana - legally!  In Washington DC, he'd be reduced to going over to the British embassy to inhale them.  How inconvenient.

And Canadians expect their politics to be a little whacky.  Hey, here's Pierre with a fun couple:

John & Yoko Lennon with Pierre Trudeau around 1970.

So Canadians wouldn't think Ted/Raffy was any whackier if we posted Phyllis Schafly to Ottawa to keep him company -

What a Pair, huh!

Chunky Money back in the land of his birth could mean allowing us to export some of our country's biggest embarrassments.  Ted could eventually plant Phyllis up there for good since we hear she was embalmed about ten years ago.

If that's not incentive enough to put Rafael 'Ted' Cruz back in Canada, I don't know what is! 

Rafael 'Ted' Cruz is running for U.S. Senate??? Please!

  Wouldn't Raffy be happier running back home in his native Canada?  That way he would be closer to things like:

this.

and this!

The other problem with this chunky money is that he just reminds us too much of this:

YIKES!

So here's to keeping our U.S. Senate 'Canadian Free' by getting Rafael 'Ted' Cruz back home to his native soil and start running for this:

(Canadian Parliament for those of you who don't know)

So Remember....

This makes a nice pairing!