A Quicker Rise to Power

Anyone who knows Rafael 'Ted' Cruz understands that his massive ego requires him to be the leader of a free country at some point.  But he is also an impatient little imp.

Up in his native land, the rise to power would be much quicker.  And he'd fit right in as Cuban-Canadian relations have been strong for decades.  See for yourself:

Fidel Castro with then Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau

And if you're Ted Cruz or Raffy as we prefer, you think you can be both men all at once.  That is so Nixon of Ted!  Once he's secured that seat in Parliament, no doubt Raffy would rise to power in a matter of mere months, if not weeks or days - because afterall, he's Ted!

As Prime Minister, Ted/Raffy could munch down on all the Toorejas and Cuban Sandwiches that he can inhale while gulping down all the Molson he can handle.  Thanks to Trudeau and Castro, it will look quite natural.  And he could smoke big nasty cigars from Havana - legally!  In Washington DC, he'd be reduced to going over to the British embassy to inhale them.  How inconvenient.

And Canadians expect their politics to be a little whacky.  Hey, here's Pierre with a fun couple:

John & Yoko Lennon with Pierre Trudeau around 1970.

So Canadians wouldn't think Ted/Raffy was any whackier if we posted Phyllis Schafly to Ottawa to keep him company -

What a Pair, huh!

Chunky Money back in the land of his birth could mean allowing us to export some of our country's biggest embarrassments.  Ted could eventually plant Phyllis up there for good since we hear she was embalmed about ten years ago.

If that's not incentive enough to put Rafael 'Ted' Cruz back in Canada, I don't know what is!